Swimming en plein air
Once a recurring dream
Is now sincere reality
At the root of personality - that sense that you are YOU - is fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of meaninglessness, fear of disintegration.
This is very basic. Really well documented in all psychological texts. We are animals by nature and there is an instinct in us that drives us to want to survive no matter what. This is very sweet, very natural.
So we spend our lives building up a quality personality. We grab onto perspectives, impressions, standards, people and things and we built solid mansions in our subconscious psyche, out of wood and brick and metal and rock, so that they do not end up in a rubble at every wolf's blow - at every breeze of uncertainty, at every strong blow of fear, at the hurricanes that come in life from circumstances. And they come by the thousands. We know.
We build out our loving personalities to protect us. To give us a sense of control. Yet, we know that there is no gravity to consciousness. No ground here. Consciousness is pure emptiness. The awareness behind out thoughts is hollow, quiet, infinite.
Empty vast space.
We spend our entire lives building a solid personality in empty space. No wonder we are constantly struggling to 'keep it all together'. As soon as anything goes wrong, which it does often - it's what life brings in this metaphysical design - we dive in with our tools to keep the walls up, the windows from sliding out, the roof from falling through. We defend and rationalize this perfect modeled castle. We meticulously process each event, we fight to get our control back, at every blow. There is a structure to uphold, a meaning, a significance. This is serious business, daily!
We perpetually defend. We perpetually design for ways to keep order. We perpetually try to keep the world and people straight to line up with our conceptual personality model of reality. Sweet little engineers & leaders we are. But we know, we have been building this entire civilization in mid-air.
So what do you do, once you realize that your entire energy resources are being used to assemble a house of cards in empty groundless formless infinite space? If we had unlimited energy resources, fine. Keep playing the game, assemble away. I mean architecture, engineering are all real good fun!
At some point, however, you are bound to come head to head with burnout. Especially if you are creating a very specific soul-sourced project in life, where EVERYTHING and ALL OF YOU is riding on getting REAL. In this design, this massive personality building project within the consciousness becomes a massive loss of fuel. Your personality is not built on quicksand. It's built on nothingness. All that energy usage to keep it UP!
When I realized this, I literally fell to my knees. No wonder I have become so tired. So so tired. Dear God. I have been genuinely building a loving, integrity filled, benevolent, hard-working, always show-up-kind-of-gal conceptual model. Really? Was this all just to protect myself from fear of 'XYZ'? All these decades? I've built an exquisite design piece. And I invited everyone in, always an open door. No wonder I am spinning.
The day I realized this, the house of cards fell to pieces almost in an instant. I was just there floating in empty space with all my fears with me. Thank God I was tired and did not try to muster up the design power to start solving this nothingness. It was quiet. I did not disintegrate.
Still here, flesh and blood.
So now, I am floating, events are coming and I let them. I use my heart, my intuition, my intellect to deal with each moment as it ephemerally arrives. I use my deep care for my life to create a momentum. I use my gratitude to keep creating and adding beauty to the world. I use my power of focus and attention to get things done daily, in this quiet emptiness. I still have my passion if I want to shake things up. Somehow, it is all creating a physical life that is quite beautiful and powerful and kind. So so kind. So so alive. And I would begin to argue, much more useful to the world around me.
Once in a while, a storm arrives. I let it. I feel it all. The fear, the dread - the sense of incoming doom - as they call it. But I have to say, this all gets neutralized more and more efficiently with every blow. I keep on existing still, somehow. Yes, my beautiful perfect design solid house is gone. But my home is expanding in this emptiness - consciousness.
I Float, I Fly
Somersaults en plein air
I am more useful than ever
Thank you for the READ! So honored.
I am Dr. Denisa Rensen, the Founder and Curator of the blissDesigned MAGAZINE. I work with Global Innovative Loving Future-Conscious Women as they align & design their lives for SIGNIFICANCE, IMPACT & BLISS. I am a world-class Coach, a Doctor, a Designer, and a Writer. Feel free to get your free guide http://bit.ly/1kYnMvx.
Art : Harry Holland